


Everything & Nothing

by settledownlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 11:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2427605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/settledownlarry/pseuds/settledownlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis can't handle his past when he's drunk. Harry thinks he might've lost him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything & Nothing

//PART ONE//

I turn the key and open the front door, keeping as quiet as I can in order not to wake Louis. I put the keys in the bowl, kick off my shoes and hang my coat on the hook. I navigate my way through the dark maze of our apartment, eventually reaching our bedroom. I open the door, wincing as it squeaks, the way it does with every swing of it. The bed is empty. The sheets tidy, the way I left them this morning after the making the bed.

“Louis? Louis where are you?” Nothing but silence is the answer I receive. I exit the bedroom and flick the switch that lights up the hall. Everything seems normal until I see the bathroom door. It’s closed. It’s never closed unless it is occupied. I can feel something pulling at my insides, a feeling, a bad feeling.

“Louis?” I try again, louder this time. Still nothing. I inch closer and closer to the door and turn the handle. It’s unlocked. The obvious thing to do would be to think of the worst possible scenario. So naturally, that is just what my brain does and I am almost too afraid to open the door. However, it's Louis, so if something’s wrong than of course I need to help him. I take a deep breath and swing the door open. In that moment everything stops, my breath, my movement. The world might’ve stopped as well, but I wouldn’t know, I'm too busy staring at the scene in front of me.

Light is being reflected off hundreds of shards of glass that are on the floor, the remains of what used to be a bottle of alcohol, along with and empty box of pills. And then there's the bath. I feel sick just looking at it. Louis is floating at the surface, surrounded by blood red water.

The world suddenly unfreezes and the situation hits me hard, knocking the breath out of me and I am literally gasping for air. I dive forwards and pull Louis out from the water to make sure he hasn’t drowned. I rest his soaking, lifeless body in my lap and check for a pulse but with my frantic, shaking fingers, I can't seem to find one. My sobs echo around the tiled room as I fumble to pull my phone from my pocket to call for an ambulance.

It feels like forever until I hear the sirens becoming louder and louder. I hear voices and footsteps in the apartment, and then there are people standing in the doorway, hurrying to get Louis on a stretcher and god knows what else. I have so many questions for them but I can't manage to say anything and my mind is travelling at million miles an hour. I feel numb as I follow the paramedics outside. I'm like a robot as I slide on my shoes and lock the door behind me before getting in the back of ambulance. I sit by Louis side and hold onto his hand the whole ride.

When we arrive at the hospital, my hand never leaves Louis’ as he is wheeled from the vehicle and into the emergency unit. All too soon, my hand is being pulled from Louis and a doctor is telling me I have to wait here in the waiting room. Everything in me is yelling for me to refuse to leave but I simply can't, I'm still a robot and my brain is not connected to my body anymore.

So I sit.

And I wait.

And I try to think of all the reasons why Louis might’ve done this. I know he's had a difficult past but he's assured me so many times over the three years we've been together that he's past everything and that it is exactly that, the past. But his past is the only explanation I can think of, all the abuse and the pain and the suffering. So I pray and I hope that he will be ok and that I'll be able to hold him in my arms again, and kiss his soft lips again. That I'll always have my Louis, my everything.

So I sit.

And I wait.

 

 

 

 

 

//PART TWO//

I just sit. Staring at the colourless floor of the hospital. My vision is blurred from the tears that are yet to fall. The tears that have given up hope.

I wait. I wait for news about Louis. Just to know that he is alive, breathing.

“Mr Styles?”

I look up to see the grey haired man dressed in white. “I'm Dr Murphy. Mr Tomlinson’s doctor. I have some news.”

He looks at me with sad, sympathetic eyes. And it is by looking into those eyes that I brace myself.

But I would never have been prepared for what he is going to say.

“He didn’t make it. We tried to flush his stomach of the intoxicants but his organs had already started shutting down and not to mention the amount of blood he lost. I'm sorry. We tried everything we could, but sometimes it's not enough.” He walks away, down the hallway after squeezing my shoulder.

I stare at his back as he walks down the hallway, the hallway that keeps disappearing into darkness, nothing. The world around me fades away and I am falling down a dark, endless hole. He is wrong. Louis can't be gone. He just can't.

Louis is my everything. Without my everything I am nothing. I am nothing without Louis. I need him. I can't go on if I am nothing. And now he has left me alone in the world, falling, down this never ending hole.

I want it to end. To just hit the bottom. To stop being nothing. To join Louis in his nothingness. Then we would be everything again, together.

I feel movement around me. I am now flying. The world is still full of darkness and the flying seems to last forever. It is a bumpy ride. Something I imagine flying shouldn’t feel like.

Then I hit the bottom. But it's not the bottom. It is soft, like clouds. Colour slowly comes back to the world and I frantically look around for Louis. To see if this is our forever. But he is nowhere. I find myself in what seems to be a replica of our apartment. I am lying on what looks, feels, like our bed. I feel the sheets covering me, suffocating me.

I tear the suffocating material off of me. I am shaking and I feel the sweat drenching my body. My throat feels incredibly dry, like sandpaper.

I stumble out to the kitchen. I turn on the tap and splash the water over my face. Washing away the sweat. I take a cup with my hand and fill it with water continuously, swallowing what's feels like gallons of water. I look up into the window above the sink and see someone with my green eyes but they are not mine. I see someone with my brown curly hair but it is not mine.

A movement catches my eyes. And there standing by the fridge is my everything. He gestures for me to go to him, so I go. He stretches his arm out, pointing to something. “Come with me.” He whispers to me in the only voice I wish to hear. My eyes follow his arm to where it is pointing.

I see the glistening of metal. The rack of knives. “Come with me.” he repeats, still pointing to the knives.

I finally understand what he means by ‘come with me’. This is my chance to be with him, forever.

I take the knife in my shaking hands and look to Louis. He nods and smiles at me encouragingly.

I press the blade on the skin of my wrist. I take deep breaths and press down. I pierce the skin and the scarlet liquid spills out over my hand. I scrape across, opening the wound. I take it off and place it back down on the opposite wrist, painting an identical, red line. I move the blade up my arms, painting them red with blood, like a canvas.

I am shaking so much that the knife drops from my hand and clatters to the floor, spattering red over the white tiles.

Louis takes my hand in his as everything begins to fade to white.

Everything but Louis.

Because he is my everything.

He always will be.

No matter what.

 

 

 

 

//PART THREE//

I open my eyes, blink a few times and take in my surroundings. What was I doing here? I thought I had gone home. I thought Louis was dead, along with me.

I see Dr Murphy exit Louis’ hospital room and walk over to me. “Alright, I have some good news. The good news is that Louis _is_ alive. He’s sleeping at the moment and I assume he will be for a while longer because of the stress his body has been under.”

This comes as a real shock. I must be dreaming right now. I remember what happened so clearly. Unless… maybe the whole memory of being told that Louis had died, then me committing suicide was the real dream. I mean, if I were dead I wouldn’t be dreaming would I? Well how would I know, I've never died before. Maybe this is what being dead is like, maybe you dream about things the way you wish had happened.

The only thing that would reassure me is to go see Louis. “Can I see him?” I hardly manage to get the words out.

After a confirmation from the doctor, I wrap my fingers around the cold metal of the door handle and swallow down the nerves stuck in my throat. _I can do this,_ I chant to myself as I slowly turn the door handle, my nervousness wrenching at my insides. The last time I'd seen him he was lying unconscious in our bathtub, the water a bloody red.

I hold my breath as I look at the colourless, expressionless face lying against the pillows. He looks somewhat peaceful, like nothing is the matter, when in fact everything has all gone wrong. I release my breath when I hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor, indicating to me that he is still alive. I take a seat next to the bed and wrap my fingers around his cold hand. I brush my other hand across his soft cheek.

 

I'm not quite sure how long exactly I've been sitting tere but I do know it's been a while since there is no longer sunlight beaming through the curtains. I hear a little whine, the whine that I know all too well, the whine Louis makes when he begins to wake up. My grip on his hand tightens and I thread my fingers with his.

“Harry?” his voice is quiet, too quiet, barley even a whisper.

“I'm here Lou, its ok.” I brush the hair from his eyes, dull in the dark room.

“Harry…I'm so sorry.” A sob breaks through his cracked lips.

“Oh Lou. Come ‘ere.” I climb onto the bed beside him and pull him against my chest, cautious of the tubes connected to his fragile body. I can feel his tears soaking through my shirts as I stroke my fingers along his spine, the way I always do if he's upset.

“This was never meant to happen. I got drunk and everything just came back to me, and I reacted the only way I could think. I'm so sorry.” He hiccups as his sobs continue. I pull him closer, pressing my lips to his temple.

“It's not your fault. I'm just so glad you're ok.”

<><><> 

“Ah, it's so good to be home.” Louis sighs and spreads his arms out, doing a twirl. As he does so, his sleeves slide up and I see the remnants of that night etched into this skin. I absentmindedly scratch at my own wrists, the dream, or nightmare I should stay, maybe even reality, is still having its effects on me. Whatever it was, I still haven’t told Louis about it.

I brush it out of my mind and chuckle at Louis, loving the way his never fading grin is back to normal. We remove our shoes and coats and I take Louis in my arms, holding him close. He stands up on his tippy-toes and presses his lips against mine. It doesn’t take long for me to have him pressed against the wall, the kiss becoming all tongues and passion and love. It's the first time we've really gotten somewhere over the past week, what with Louis being in hospital and all. As much as it wouldn’t bother me, I didn’t really want to give all the staff a show.

“Bed, please…” Louis moans as I graze my teeth along his jaw. I nip at his earlobe before placing my hands on his bum and lift him up for him to wrap his legs around my waist. Our kiss reignites and I whisk him away to our bedroom.

<><><> 

“I really thought I'd lost you when I found you.” I whisper whilst tangling my fingers through Louis’ still slightly sweaty hair.

“You know I'd never leave you.” his voice is just as I quiet as he traces his slim fingers over my many tattoos.

“I had a dream that you did. It was while I was waiting in the hospital the night I found you. The doctor said you didn’t make it. Then I appeared here and you told me to come with you, so I killed myself. Then I woke up to hear you were alive and I was quite confused.”

“Wait, so I told you to kill yourself to be with me?” he pauses his finger movement and looks at me with a frown.

“Well, yes, more or less. And for all I know, it could’ve been real and we could be dead.”

“We’ll never know, I guess. Though, if we are dead then I'm not complaining. I have no problem being stuck with you forever. I mean, think of all the sex we can have.” A cheeky grin flashes across his face and rolls on top of me, straddling my hips.

“Trust you to just think of that. And, we don’t need to be dead to have a lot of sex.” I roll us over so I am now hovering above him. “But, whether we really are dead or alive, I just want to be with you forever because _you,_ ” I poke his nose, “mean _everything_ to me, and _nothing_ is going to ever come between us.”

//THE END//


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